


junebug

by stefonzolesky



Series: alive but i can barely move [2]
Category: Rawhide (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, can be read in the same verse as raised by wolves but also on its own, mushy is my favorite lesbian, the favorowdy is minor, this is mostly about rowdy and mushy. being friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 07:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20524244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: Rowdy draws his gun and points it right in Mushy’s face. “If you tell anyone, I’ll blow you to bits, you hear?”





	junebug

Maybe later Rowdy will look back on it and think that Mushy was, in fact, the best person possible to have caught him changing his shirt. Besides the boss, of course, because Mister Favor already knows all about Rowdy’s… predicament. Among other things, of course. But that doesn’t stop him from freaking the fuck out when it happens. 

It’s late, and the rest of the guys have conked out after a night on the town. Rowdy had sat up with Gil for a little longer, listening to Gil tell stories about his first drive -- Gil is the best storyteller out there, everyone knows that. But even the boss is asleep at this point, so Rowdy takes the opportunity to slip behind some trees and change into a more comfortable shirt. 

He sighs, staring down at the bandages around his chest, and then slowly unwraps them. He dreads taking them off, because all he wants to do is stare and wonder what went wrong when the man upstairs was making him a person. 

The bandages make a rustling noise as they fall to the dirt, but Rowdy doesn’t worry all too much. They weren’t loud enough to wake anybody, and he thinks he’s far enough away that they wouldn't find him. 

Until he hears a gun cock behind him, and he freezes in his place. 

“Mister Rowdy?” Mushy’s voice asks. Rowdy can feel the gun lowering behind him. He takes a deep breath in, trying to think his way out of the situation.

“Thought you’d be asleep,” Rowdy says. “All the rest of the guys is asleep.” 

“Busy up thinkin’,” Mushy explains. Rowdy is careful not to turn and look at him, not like this. Not with his shirt off and the bandages on the ground, there’s no way in Hell. 

He wrings his shirt carefully in his hands.

“You feelin’ okay, Mister Rowdy?” Mushy asks, childlike concern none of the other guys ever have seeping into his voice. “You hurt or somethin’?”

“I'm alright, Mushy,” Rowdy promises, cursing the way his voice wavers. “I just needed some space, ‘s all.” 

He pulls his shirt over his head, slaps a fake smile on his face, and turns to look at Mushy with the hope that it’ll be too dark for him to notice anything.

Mushy’s eyes go from his face to his chest in a matter of seconds. 

“Mister… Rowdy?” He asks, confusion twisting his features. “You’ve… You’re, er.”

“Yeah, I know,” Rowdy says. “You ain’t gonna tell nobody, are you?” 

“You’re a lady?” Mushy asks him, finally pulling his eyes back up to Rowdy’s face. “All this time, you’re a lady?”

“I ain’t,” Rowdy snaps. “I’m tellin’ you the same thing I told Mister Favor when he found out. I ain’t no lady. Not even a little bit.”

“But--”

Rowdy draws his gun and points it right in Mushy’s face. “If you tell anyone, I’ll blow you to bits, you hear?” 

And Mushy looks so scared, Rowdy can’t help but feel bad about it. There’s just no way he’s going to risk it. 

“I-- I won’t. I won’t tell nobody, I swear.” Mushy’s shaking, looking anywhere but at Rowdy. 

Rowdy puts the gun down.

“Go back to bed, Mushy,” He says.

Mushy swallows hard and nods, scampering back to bed. Rowdy picks the bandages up off the ground and does the same. 

+

Mushy avoids Rowdy at all costs for a while, after that incident. It’s not that different, they never really spent all that much time together, but Mushy dodges even  _ talking _ about Rowdy like he’s poison. 

That part kind of hurts. And apparently, Gil can tell. 

They’re sitting alone at camp a few days later, and Rowdy is pushing the food on his place around absently when Gil sits down next to him.

“You okay?” Gil asks.

Rowdy doesn’t look up. “Yeah, Boss. Fine.” 

Gil puts a hand on Rowdy’s leg lightly, and Rowdy glances over at his hand and then sets his plate down.

“Mushy caught me changin’ my shirt the other day.”

Rowdy can practically hear Gil frown. 

“You talk to him?” Gil asks.

“No. I mean, not really. Threatened to blow his brains out if he told anybody ‘cause I got nervous, then we went off to bed.”

“You didn’t explain nothin’, though?” 

Rowdy shakes his head, his hand falling over where Gil’s is sitting on his thigh. “Didn’t wanna talk too much about it.” 

“He’s a kid,” Gil reminds him. “Only two years younger than you, sure, but a hell of a lot less mature. You ought’a talk to him about it, really talk to him.”

“But--”

“He’s gonna keep walking around you like he’ll upset you no matter what he does ‘til you talk to him, Rowdy.” 

Rowdy slumps over. “I know. I know. I’ll talk to him.”

Favor gives Rowdy’s leg a squeeze. “You’ll be alright.” 

+

Rowdy takes a little bit to gather up the courage, but he calls Mushy aside later that night. 

It’s dark, everyone’s finished dinner, and Mushy looks like he’s been sent to hang when Rowdy asks if they can go on a walk for a little bit. 

“I ain’t gonna shoot you,” is the first thing Rowdy tells him. Mushy relaxes a fraction. “I just want to talk.”

“I ain’t gonna tell nobody, M… Mister Rowdy. Mister Rowdy.” 

Rowdy notes the way Mushy stumbles on his words, but keeps his mouth shut. He can’t afford to get angry right now. 

“I know you ain’t,” Rowdy tells him. “You wouldn't. I jus’ know you probably have questions, and the boss said it’d be a good idea to talk to you. ‘Cause of, you’re a kid an’ all. Probably good for me to answer your questions.”

“I’m not so much younger than you,” Mushy says. “It’s jus’ on account of me bein’ the greenest on the drive that everyone treats me like a kid. You must know what that’s like.” 

Rowdy grimaces. “Yeah. ‘specially ‘cause I look younger than I am, ‘cause… well, you know. It’s my face shape an’ all.”

Mushy nods. They walk in silence for a while before Mushy opens his mouth again, and asks, “So you was born a lady?”

Rowdy bites down on his lower lip. “Yeah, but I never did feel like one. People back home said I was crazy. Tried an’ send me to an asylum and all. I don’t think I’m crazy.”

“An’ you don’t seem like a lady,” Mushy says. “Really, Mister Rowdy, you don’t. Never did.” 

Rowdy straightens his back out a little. “You can just call me Rowdy, you know. I know Wish must’a drilled your head with proper language an’ all, but you can talk to me just like we’re friends.” 

“We’re friends?” Mushy lights up.

Rowdy hesitates. 

“Sure, we’re friends.” 

They fall into silence again, Rowdy focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and not letting his mind wander into what being friends with Mushy might entail. 

Mushy stops walking.

“You’re a boy, though?” He blurts. Rowdy stops and glances at him. “I mean, that’s allowed an’ all?”

“I say it’s allowed,” Rowdy says. “I don’t need nobody else to tell me whether or not I’m allowed to be what I am. So what, my insides don’t match my outsides? It don’t matter to nobody but me what I’ve got in my pants, and it won’t ‘til I find somebody who doesn’t care.”

“Have you before?” Mushy asks. “You ever found someone who don’t mind?”

“I--...” Rowdy hesitates. “Sure I have. At least, I think I have. H… She says it don’t matter.” 

And Rowdy isn’t sure why he’s lying, because liking men as well as women can’t be too much worse than what else he’s unloaded on Mushy, but it’s an impulse of his. Plus, Rowdy doesn’t think Gil would like Mushy knowing about what they get up to all that much.

“Lady back home?” Mushy asks. 

Rowdy bites down hard on his lip, and then says, “Yeah.” 

Mushy nods. He looks pensive, and like he wants to ask more questions, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says “Let’s head back to camp,” and then they do. 

+

Things are fine, after that, except Mushy talks to him a whole lot  _ more _ now, and keeps giving him these weird looks when he thinks Rowdy isn’t looking. 

He's clearly distracted, and Rowdy can tell that he's the one doing the distracting. He feels really bad about it, especially when Wishbone starts quipping about the quality of Mushy's work.

"Leave him be," Rowdy says, unable to bite his tongue. "He's doing just fine, I'd say."

Wishbone scowls. “What would you know?” He pries the knife and loaf of bread from Mushy’s hands. “Go hang out with Rowdy, huh, if you two is so close like that. I’ll do the work.”

And then Mushy is being shoved in Rowdy’s direction, and Wish is grumbling angrily under his breath.

Rowdy smiles sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“S’no trouble, Rowdy,” Mushy says, but he seems nervous and uncomfortable.

Rowdy frowns.

“You been actin’ stranger than normal, Mushy. I didn’t make you uncomfortable, did I? I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable jus’ by bein’ like I am.”

Mushy shakes his head quickly. “No, no, you ain’t done nothin’ to make me uncomfortable, I swear. I jus’ had a lot on my mind lately. And I guess maybe, maybe you tellin’ me all ‘bout yourself…” 

Rowdy blinks. “What? What I done?”

“Nothin’, Mister Rowdy,” Mushy says, brushing off whatever was bothering him quickly. “It ain’t no big deal, it’s jus’ stupid an’ all. There’s too many people that could hear, anyway. You know how that is.”

“I do,” Rowdy promises. “And I’ll leave you alone ‘bout it, if you want. But you can come get me once everyone’s asleep, if you wanna talk or anythin’. I think I owe it to you.” He cracks a nervous smile. “As your elder an’ all.”

Mushy is clearly forcing himself to smile, but he smiles nonetheless. Then, he’s gone.

+

Later that night, Rowdy lays with his head in Gil’s lap, Gil carding his hands through Rowdy’s hair lightly. 

“You don’t think I’m a wacko or nothin’, do you, Boss?” Rowdy asks. “You don’t think I’m just some crazy little girl that’s tryin’ to fool herself or nothin’, right?” 

“‘Course not,” Gil says, like Rowdy was an idiot for ever thinking something like that. “You’re as much a man as I am. Probably more.” 

Rowdy laughs softly. “Sorry for asking. I just been thinking a lot, ‘s all.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Gil insists. “And don’t worry ‘bout it.” 

He leans over and presses a soft kiss to Rowdy’s forehead. 

Then, someone clears their throat. Rowdy shoots upright, and he makes eye contact with Mushy.

“I couldn’t find you,” He says. “Wish said you were prob’ly with Mister Favor, I didn’t mean--... I mean, I didn’t--...”

Gil clears his throat. “Is there something we can help you with?” 

“I jus’ wanted to talk to Mister Rowdy, sir,” Mushy manages, pointing a finger in Rowdy’s direction. “He said I could find him if I didn’t want nobody listening in. I didn’t think that you’d be--... Well, I… I can jus’ go, you know, it’s not all that important anyways.”

“No, Mushy, it’s fine,” Rowdy says. “My fault for forgetting I told you that.” 

He turns to Gil. “You mind if I talk to Mushy for a second?” 

Gil is already standing up, hands in a surrender. “I won’t be a bother.” 

As soon as Gil is gone, Rowdy buries his head in his hands. Mushy hesitantly takes a seat next to him.

“You an’ Mister Favor are--...”

Rowdy lifts his head to glance at Mushy. “Yeah.”

“I thought you said you had a lady back home.”

“I don’t got no lady back home. I got Mister Favor.” 

Mushy nods slowly.

“Sorry for gettin’ in the way. Must be hard to find someone who don’t mind.” 

“Yeah,” Rowdy mumbles. “What did you want to ask about?”

“Oh, it’s nothin’, really. I can just leave. I’ll tell Mister Favor that you’re good to spend time with him again, ‘cause I ain’t got nothin’ important to say or nothin’. Really.” 

“Mushy,” Rowdy says. 

Mushy frowns. He stares at his feet. 

“You was born a lady,” He says. “But you ain’t one. An’ everyone treats you like a normal man.” 

Rowdy nods. He bites down hard on his lip. Mushy stays quiet and pensive for way too long.

“Do it ever go the other way around?” He finally asks. Rowdy can tell he’s been holding his breath.

“What d’ya mean?”

“I mean, do it ever go the other way around? You ever meet a lady who, who… she was s’posed to be a man? But it didn’t work out that way, jus’ like it didn’t work out for you to be a lady?”

Rowdy hesitates. He’s never met anybody like that, no, but he’s never met anybody like him before. 

“I don’t see why it couldn’t,” He says, carefully. “If I’m here, there’s gotta be someone who’s the other way around.” 

“You known it your whole life?” Mushy asks meekly. 

Rowdy nods, wheels turning in his head. 

Mushy frowns. He’s taken such an interest in the toes of his shoes, he hasn’t looked away from them for the whole conversation. 

“I felt wrong my whole life, but it ain’t been like that. Not really. That’s ‘cause I didn’t think… I never thought it was an option. I’m a boy, I’m s’posed to grow into a man.” 

But he looks so  _ uncomfortable _ with the idea, and it really reminds Rowdy of himself. At a much younger age, sure, but himself nonetheless. 

“I wasn’t born thinkin’ I was wrong,” Rowdy says softly. “Nobody is. You jus’ gotta see enough of the world to realize that people been seeing you different your whole life. For me it was… It was maybe eight, ten years. For… for  _ someone else, _ it could have been a lot longer. Like, say… seventeen years? You’re seventeen, ain’t you?” 

Mushy finally glances up at Rowdy, tears welling in his eyes. 

“I di’n’t know what it was,” He manages. “I di’n’t understand, I di’n’t know you  _ could _ be different like that. I never thought of it.” 

“Mushy…” Rowdy says carefully. “Mushy, are you sayin’ that… that you’re a lady?” 

Mushy nods quickly. Rowdy holds her while she cries. 

+

Gil wants to know what Rowdy and Mushy talked about, but Rowdy promised Mushy he wouldn't tell anybody. Not even Mister Favor. And she’s the first person he’s ever met that’s like him, so he wants to make good on that promise, even if it means upsetting Gil a little bit.

Yeah, Rowdy mopes a little bit when Gil chooses Pete to go into town with him instead. But he made a promise, and he intends to keep it. 

Mushy sits down next to him while he’s eating breakfast.

“Why didn’t you go into town with Mister Favor?” She asks.

Rowdy frowns, pushing his food around his plate. “He took Pete along instead.” 

“But I thought you and him was…”

“Yeah, I know. He’s mad at me right now, so he don’t want to spend too much time with me. He’s real stubborn like that. ‘S not even my fault, fully.”

“What happened?” Mushy asks, through a mouthful of bread. She takes a sip of her coffee and wipes her mouth on the back of her hand.

“He wanted to know what you and me talked about last night. I told him you didn’t want me to tell nobody, and that meant him included. He got all mad, but it’ll be fine. He’ll get over it by the end of the day. He always does.”

Mushy frowns. “If I’m causin’ you problems, you don’t have to worry about it, you know. I ain’t even… It’s not like it is for you, ‘cause I don’t look the part, and it don’t have to be that big of a deal. I jus’ think… I think I better not tell too many people, but if Mister Favor is alright with you, I don’t see why you can’t tell him for me.”

Rowdy shakes his head. “It ain’t my thing to tell, and he’s punishing himself just as much as he’s punishing me by holding a grudge.” He cracks a smile. 

Mushy smiles back, and for a second, she almost looks her age. Rowdy realizes the both of them were made to grow up too fast, and being like this… it really doesn’t help. 

“You feel any better?” Rowdy asks her. 

She nods. “I think so. I think I do. It’s different, even though nothin’s really changed all too much.”

Rowdy nods and takes a bite of a piece of bread. 

“You done eating? I can take your plate.” 

Mushy blinks. She shakes her head. “I’m done, but I can put it up myself.”

“I got it,” Rowdy says, taking Mushy’s plate from her hands and standing up. “No lady should have to do all the work.”

+

Months pass, and a week goes by where they have a girl named Mary Scott riding with them. Rowdy can see the way Mushy looks at her, with a mix of jealousy and attraction, and he gets it. He’s known that his whole life. 

The day Mary Scott leaves, Rowdy asks her if he can keep one of her dresses, for a friend of his who needs one. 

“They’re awful pretty,” He tells her. “And I think my friend, I think she’d really appreciate it. She can’t get none of her own.” 

“Of course,” Mary Scott says, turning to put her case down and dig through it. 

While she’s looking for a dress, Gil makes his way to stand next to Rowdy.

“You having trouble, Miss?” He asks her. 

Mary Scott lifts her head from her case to smile sheepishly at Gil. 

“No, sir,” She says. “Just trying to get a dress out for Rowdy to give to a lady friend of his. It’s the least I can do, after how much you all have helped me out.” 

Gil turns to Rowdy. “A lady friend?”

“Yes, sir,” Rowdy says, avoiding Gil’s face. “A friend of mine, who’s a lady.” 

He thanks Mary Scott for the dress, and wishes her good luck on her way. Rowdy can feel Gil fuming at him, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. He knows he’s doing a good thing. 

He puts the dress with his stuff, but he barely has time to breathe before Gil is pulling him aside.

“A lady friend?” He asks, tightening his grip on Rowdy’s upper arm. 

Rowdy yelps. “A friend who’s a lady, Boss! I got a friend who’s a lady and she can’t get her own dresses, so I thought I’d get her one myself!”

“Rowdy, if you’re seein’ someone else--”

“I ain’t! I swear, Mister Favor, I ain’t.” 

And he’s panicked, he’s  _ so _ panicked. Gil isn’t even really  _ mad, _ but Rowdy feels like he’s done a bad, bad thing. 

Gil lets go of his arm.

“Boss. Mister Favor. I swear to you, I ain’t seeing nobody else. I don’t got eyes for nobody else.”

“It’d be fine if you did, Rowdy,” Gil says. “Jus’ want you to tell me, if you do.”

“I don’t. The dress… it’s for a girl, she’s… she’s like a little sister to me, an’ I wanna give her what I never had growin’ up, you know? Not the dresses. Jus’, like… someone to talk to, someone to be comfortable ‘round, you know?” 

Gil nods, lips pressed into a tight line. Rowdy steps forward and puts his hands on Gil’s waist.

“Besides,” He says. “I ain’t never gonna like nobody the way I like you, Boss.” 

Their lips almost meet, when Mushy clears her throat from behind Gil’s back. Gil tears away from Rowdy like he’s on fire and turns to face her.

“Mushy!” He says, startled. “How long you been standing there?” 

But Mushy looks right past him, into Rowdy’s eyes. 

“I’m the friend?” She asks. “I don’t wanna assume or nothin’, but… I’m the friend, right Mister Rowdy?” 

Rowdy glances frantically at Gil for a second, then back at Mushy. She nods, to let him know it’s okay.

“You’re the friend,” He finally says. “Guess you know I got you a dress, then, huh? From Miss Mary Scott.” 

Mushy hesitates, at a loss for words. Then, she’s running at Rowdy like a bullet and flinging herself at him, arms wrapped tight around his neck. She almost knocks him right over, but he’s able to handle her weight. 

“You don’t have to do nothin’ like that for me, Rowdy, really,” She mumbles. “I ain’t even gonna have time to wear it or anythin’.” 

Rowdy pries her hands from his neck and gently pushes her back to look her in the eye. “But now you’ve got it, right? And that makes a difference. I didn’t have nothin’ like that when I was little, an’... an’ I really wish I did, I had to go on and figure it all out myself. You don’t gotta do that.” 

Mushy rubs her eyes roughly with a balled up fist.

“Wish needs my help with dinner,” She says, voice wavering. “I ought’a go help him out with that, ‘fore he gets mad at me.” 

Rowdy nods and watches her scamper back to camp. Gil stares at Rowdy incredulously.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks.

Rowdy shrugs, scuffing his foot in the dirt. “I promised her I wouldn't tell nobody, and you’re a pretty big somebody.” 

Gil cups Rowdy’s face in his hands and presses a kiss to his lips.

“I’m sorry,” He finally says. “I should trust you by now, I know.” 

“You ain’t gotta be sorry, Gil,” Rowdy says, shifting awkwardly at the use of Gil’s first name -- he isn’t sure if he crossed a line there. “You didn’t know any better. Mushy even said she didn’t wanna be no trouble, but I… It was an obligation, for me. I’ve never met nobody like me before. I gotta help her, really.” 

“It’s not like you got all that much experience bein’ a girl,” Gil tells him. “You tell Mushy to come talk to me later tonight. I have two daughters, I know how things go. And she can try on that dress you got her, once the guys all go to sleep.” 

Rowdy grins, giving a mock salute in Gil’s direction. 

“I’ll be sure to let her know, Boss.” 

And he has faith that things will be more or less okay from here on out. 


End file.
